I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
love makes seman taste better
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
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