You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize
