Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
just did awkward shuffle by the bagels in the dining hall at 7:30 AM with a kid i've hooked up with. goodbye freshman year.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
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