Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Frozen waffles and wine. Loneliness-party of one
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
