My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I woke up naked to an alarm set for 11:18 pm and missing a shoe. How was your night?
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting