Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
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I want you more than these girls want KFC
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
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We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
I just want to eat and sleep til I'm dead. I should've been born a cat.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions