I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
