youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
