Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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