she woke up with a sticky ear
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
