If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
