woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
