if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
