she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
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