Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Randomize
