he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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