I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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