Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
