last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Are you seriously getting this frustrated over a hand-job right now?
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
