I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
There is an empty space on my boobs where glow paint should be.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
