It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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