Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Blood and glitter go together right?
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
