i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
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