No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
