I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I was watching porn and wanted to change the tab to another video to cum but I clicked the wrong tab and it was a gif of a dog but I was coming and couldn't do anything so did I jill off to a dog? I feel like I should be guilty
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
