it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
