the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
This toilet bowl is my home.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
