you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
