After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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