sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Randomize
