Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Randomize
