even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
but I have boobs. I'm not going to buy my own drinks at the bar like some kind of fucking animal.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
