I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
True strength comes from lack of pants
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Randomize
