I can feel you judging me through the phone.
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
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The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
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It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
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