oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
i got up, ate a McDouble, then went straight back to bed.
You sure know how to make a day worth living.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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