my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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