i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
