u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Randomize
