he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
love makes seman taste better
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Randomize
