I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Well, at some point in her life every girl has to decide how much weird she's willing to tolerate for hot tall banker cock
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Randomize
