Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Realized it was likely to be cursed, didn't want my own Johnson magically turning into some sort of fire breathing reptile and eating me
That is an interesting fear as well as image
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
