my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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