I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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