I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
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