are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
