shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
he cock-blocks himself, don't try to make excuses for him!
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Dude. If you guys end up really liking each other, the color of his pubes won't matter. I wouldn't break a sweat.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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