How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
His name is Dustib. Not a typo. I just can't.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
