My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Randomize
