john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
When everyone ask you tomorrow go ahead and tell them I'm the girl that fell of safe ride and was all bloody.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
My legacy here is being that tiny blonde girl that threw someone down and shouted "Fuck your face, I'm Dee Dee Ramone."
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize
