You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
So squirting runs in the family.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Sorry I couldn't reference you in my facebook quote. I will redirect any likes and comments straight to my blowjob efforts this week.
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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