I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
Saved By The Bell: The College Years had it waaaay wrong on that one.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
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