Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
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And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
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I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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