Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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