awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I love the progression of these pictures. I go from cute to Courtney Love
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
Is he smart?
Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Randomize
