Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
