I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
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