did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
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