I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Randomize
