they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Randomize
